How to Have Tough Conversations

What if the conversation you (or your leaders) have been dreading is actually the one your team member needs most?

Tough conversations don't have to be confrontational, damaging, or something you lie awake thinking about the night before. But left unaddressed, they carry a real cost — for the individual, for the team, and for you as a leader.

In this episode, Nicky unpacks the real reasons we avoid difficult conversations (hint: it's different for every personality style), the hidden risks that come with staying silent, and a simple framework called PACE that will change the way you approach accountability and behaviour conversations for good.

Whether you're a business owner stepping into tougher leadership conversations, or you're building a team of leaders who need to have them consistently, this episode gives you the tools, the language, and the confidence to make it happen.

Learn more about Nicky  at nickymiklos.com

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Contact: 0403 191 404 | hello@nickymiklos.com 

Music by Jules Miklos-Woodley

Transcript

Tough Conversations: How to Have Them (And Why You Must)

Hello, hello. It is so wonderful to be here with you again this week. And I've got to say, I have missed you and I've missed having this conversation — we did have a break of about a fortnight and only released a couple of podcast episodes this month.

But really, it gets me thinking about how having these conversations with you, even though they're one-sided, are really important. Because every topic that I talk about is actually relatable to what is happening at the moment in the market.

When I have an idea of what I'm going to share in a podcast episode, I really think about:

• What are the conversations I'm having with clients at the moment?
• What's the feedback I'm getting from those conversations?
• What am I seeing in terms of some of the challenges that clients or people in my community are facing when it comes to sales and/or leadership — really, when it comes to smart business growth?
• What are the topics we need to touch on to help remove some of those barriers?

The last couple of weeks in particular, I've been in conversations and workshops with business owners and leaders around how to have those tough conversations.

What Is a Tough Conversation?

It could be an awkward conversation — maybe around somebody's personal hygiene or presentation. Awkward. Nobody loves having these kinds of conversations, but they're important and we have to have them.

The more common type of tough conversation would be an accountability conversation. Last episode I talked about KPIs, benchmarks of success, and how important they are in order to drive the business toward the outcomes you want. Accountability conversations are a classic tough conversation that people tend to avoid.

Another example could be behavior conversations. Typically, tough or accountability conversations will fall into one of two categories:

• Behavior — adherence issues like being late, not returning from lunch breaks, poor attitude, being rude to customers and clients.
• Performance — not meeting KPIs, not meeting expectations or goals.

Your Natural Behavioral Style: Strength and Risk

What's really interesting is that our natural behavioral style will either hold us back or help us move forward with these conversations. Each behavioral style has a strength and a risk to keep in mind.

Dominant/Direct Style Their strength is that they're okay having the conversation. The risk is they can go too hard and too fast, without enough fact or evidence, and can be too blunt — which may break or negatively impact the relationship.

Influencer Style The biggest fear for an influencer type is fear of rejection. They're very conscious of the relationship and don't want to hurt it, so they may avoid the conversation altogether. The strength, however, is that they're people-people — people like them. When they're smart and conscious about it, they can deliver the message without damaging the relationship, and can actually position it quite optimistically for a really good outcome.

(Side note: if you want more information on these archetypes, just send me a DM on LinkedIn or email.)

Stability Style This archetype has a big fear of conflict. The avoidance is driven by not wanting to hurt somebody's feelings — and they can get swept up in the other person's emotion, to the point where they lose the purpose of the conversation, or let it go entirely because it feels too hard. The strength is that they create a really safe space. The person they're speaking with knows they are truly top of mind and being taken care of.

Conscientious/Analytical Style The strength here is that they are very analytical — absolutely on board with observational evidence, facts, and stats. There will be evidence to support the feedback given. The risk is that this style needs 35 different scenarios played out before they have the conversation. I was just talking to a client about this exact thing the other day and he said, "Yes, I need to have 35 scenarios planned out before I have the conversation."

What I'll say to you is: it might not always be necessary, and you can't map out every single scenario. The conversation will never be perfect — because perfection doesn't exist.

Prepared, But Not Over-Prepared

Instead of perfection, we need to think about: How can I be really well prepared? What is enough preparation?

• The dominant energies need to prepare a little more so they don't fall into procrastination mode.
• The highly analytical styles need to be careful not to over-prepare.

We need to be prepared, but not over-prepared. We need a structure to fall back on — an anchor so we don't get swept up in the other person's emotion, and so we stay on task. That structure gives us the certainty and confidence that this isn't personal. This is a business conversation, not an attack.

The PACE Framework

I'd love to share with you the structure I use with my clients. The name of the framework is PACE — P-A-C-E.

P — Prepare

Think about five things before you walk into the room. Some of you may have heard of SBI, which is a classic leadership framework for feedback:

• S — Situation: When and where did it happen?
• B — Behavior: What specifically was observed? What was the behavior that needs to change? And is this actually a change of pattern — because if so, we need to get curious about what else is happening for that person.
• I — Impact: What effect did it have — on the team, on clients, on the individual themselves?

But I want to build it out even further with two more things:

• What does a successful conversation look like? Not the overarching outcome over time — what does success look like in this conversation? Is it buy-in? Is it awareness? Is it them recognising that their behavior needs to improve? This is really helpful so you don't get swept up in emotion or get sidetracked if the person deflects.
• Check in with yourself: How am I showing up? Is there some avoidance happening — and why? Am I rushing? Is there any discomfort about having this conversation? What do I need to do to show up present and grounded?

Also within the prepare stage: have I had this conversation before? Is this the first, second, or third conversation on this topic?

That's all the prep you need. You don't need to think of a million different scenarios. This might take five minutes — unless you're waiting on dashboards or reports — but don't fall into the rabbit hole of overthinking.

A — Address It

You've done the pre-work. Now you name it. You actually say it.

Use the SBI model — name the situation, the behavior, the impact — and then add a transition question. That's SBI plus a question, and that's how we address it.

Some examples of transition questions:

• "Help me understand what was going on for you."
• "I'd like to get your side of this."
• "Walk me through what's happening from your perspective."

If it's a second or third conversation — if you've been here before — check in with: "What were the goals we already set? What stopped you from following through on the commitment you previously made?"

Remember, this is all before a performance improvement plan. That's a different conversation. What we're trying to do here is understand what's driving the behavior, so you know what to work with in order to help that person change.

Now, if it's something that is fundamentally not okay, you can also ask a more pointed, closed question — because you need agreement on whether the behavior is appropriate:

• "Do you think this is appropriate behavior?"
• "Does this align with our values?"
• Or more open: "How do you think this behavior aligns with our values?"

We want to give them the opportunity to come to their own realisation — or to share their perspective so we can build from there. Too often we go straight into telling, and we don't give people the opportunity to set their own goals or share what's actually stopped them.

C — Clarify

You've prepared, you've addressed it, you've asked a question to open the conversation. Now you listen and get curious about what's driving the behavior.

Then we get clarity on: What is the next step? What is their commitment to change?

Ask them questions so they're setting their own goals:

• "What do you think you could do instead of X?"
• "How can you make sure you're able to start your shift on time?"
• "Who else is doing this successfully — what can you learn from them?"

We ask questions, and then we get clarity on what that next step looks like — and ideally, they're the ones setting it.

E — Establish

Close the loop with a specific agreement.

"Great — by this date, I need to see this behavior."

Lock it in. Put it in the calendar if necessary.

This is where you establish the next step and make the agreement concrete.

Bringing It All Together

If you have to have a second conversation, your preparation incorporates that you've already had this conversation once. The addressing stage becomes more direct — a little more telling and a little less asking. But if it's the first time, bring the curiosity. Give them the opportunity to come to the party.

Assuming it's not an HR crisis — that's a different conversation — lead with curiosity, give them the opportunity to share what's stopping them, and then establish that next follow-up date.

Let me know if you've got any questions. And if you'd like the handout for this framework, just shoot me an email and I'll send it straight to you.

Take yourself lightly with this — but do reflect on what came up at the beginning of this conversation. What do you think your natural strength is? What do you think your natural risk is?

Use the PACE framework to make sure these conversations are actually happening — whether it's you having them directly, or your team leaders having them. You're going to be prepared, you're going to address it, you're going to clarify what the team member can do to improve, and you're going to establish the next step.

I love your work. I can't wait to hear how you go with this — and I'll see you next time.